All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.
A man is washing windows on the 25th floor of an apartment building. Suddenly, he slips and falls. He has nothing to cushion his fall, and no safety equipment—but he doesn’t get hurt. How is this possible?
A. He’s washing windows inside the building.
Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there? —Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher
Snail with an attitude
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail an throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
Snail with an attitude
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail an throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
The Ultimate Senior Moment
A prisoner is forced to go into one of three rooms, but he can choose which room. The first room is ablaze with fire. The second one is rigged with explosives that will go off as soon as he enters. The third contains a pair of lions who haven’t eaten in years. Which room should he choose to survive?
The third room—any lions who hadn’t
eaten in years would be dead!
The Ultimate Senior Moment
Kid vs barber
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’