• Dec
    05
    Zoom Trivia Night

    Grab paper and pen and join us for another fun-filled night of Trivia with prizes via Zoom!

  • Dec
    06
    Book Festival: Philippa Gregory

    Book Festival In Your Living Room Live Continues with Philippa Gregory, author of “Dark Tides”

  • Dec
    06
    Terrific Tastings: Let's Go Nuts!

    Join us for our next Terrific Tastings – “Let’s Go Nuts!” and taste these delicious nut butters from the comfort of your home!

Smiles – May 25, 2020

Daily Dose Smiles

All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.

“The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions” makes as much sense as “Our rate of descent has slowed so we can take off the parachute”.

We think our staff member Rick got in the wrong Zoom meeting.

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the third time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”

For all the Animal Lovers here is a cute video

How do you make a pirate furious?

Take away the p.

__________

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

Did you hear about the successful businessman whose daughter 
got married to a young man?
 
The businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter very much, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
 
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
 
“I see,” replied the fathear-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
 
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
 
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
 
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn’t play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, “What’s it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I’ll be back in time for services.”

Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, “Look how terrible—a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!”

G-d replied, “Watch. I’m going to teach him a lesson.”

Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!

Seeing all this, Moses protested: “G-d, this is how you’re going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!”

“Sure,” said G-d, “but who’s he going to tell?”

SUPRISE!
Who ate all the Nuts?

“I don’t have a beer gut.
I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.”

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“It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

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Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson: he brought the house down.

Goldstein had been going to the same restaurant for 10 years. Every day he starts with the same thing, barley soup. One day, as soon as he comes in, the waiter brings the soup over to his table.

“I want you to taste the soup,” Goldstein says
as the waiter starts to walk away.

“What’s the matter?” the waiter asks,
“Every day you take the same barley soup.”

“I want you to taste the soup,” Goldstein repeats.
“You don’t want the barley soup?” the waiter says,
“I’ll bring you something else.”

“I want you to taste the soup,” Goldstein says once more.

“Is it too cold? Too salty? G-d forbid is there a fly in it? What’s wrong with it?” said the waiter.” Just taste the soup,” insists Goldstein.

“Okay, okay, I’ll taste the soup,” says the waiter, wearily.
“Where’s the spoon?”

“Aha!”