All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.
“The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions” makes as much sense as “Our rate of descent has slowed so we can take off the parachute”.
We think our staff member Rick got in the wrong Zoom meeting.
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the third time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”
For all the Animal Lovers here is a cute video
How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the p.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn’t play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, “What’s it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I’ll be back in time for services.”
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, “Look how terrible—a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!”
G-d replied, “Watch. I’m going to teach him a lesson.”
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: “G-d, this is how you’re going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!”
“Sure,” said G-d, “but who’s he going to tell?”
“I don’t have a beer gut.
I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.”
“It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson: he brought the house down.
Goldstein had been going to the same restaurant for 10 years. Every day he starts with the same thing, barley soup. One day, as soon as he comes in, the waiter brings the soup over to his table.
“I want you to taste the soup,” Goldstein says
as the waiter starts to walk away.
“What’s the matter?” the waiter asks,
“Every day you take the same barley soup.”
“I want you to taste the soup,” Goldstein repeats.
“You don’t want the barley soup?” the waiter says,
“I’ll bring you something else.”
“I want you to taste the soup,” Goldstein says once more.
“Is it too cold? Too salty? G-d forbid is there a fly in it? What’s wrong with it?” said the waiter.” Just taste the soup,” insists Goldstein.
“Okay, okay, I’ll taste the soup,” says the waiter, wearily.
“Where’s the spoon?”