All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.
How are relationships a lot like algebra?
Sometimes, you look at your X and wonder Y.
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “SEE? This is why I chew the furniture, and why I try and run out of the house when you open the front door”.
Why should you never laugh at your spouse’s choices? Because you’re one of them.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. You could say I Schwepped her off her feet.
I swear my fridge just said
‘What the hell do you want now’
An oxygen atom runs into his old friend, the hydrogen atom, on the street one day. “How you doing?” asks the oxygen atom. “Not well, actually,” the hydrogen atom replies. “I lost an electron.” The oxygen atom looks alarmed. “Are you sure?” it asks. “Yeah,” the hydrogen atom sighs. “I’m positive.”
An invisible man married an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are all trying to watch a street performer juggle knives. Unfortunately, it’s such a busy day in the city, there are too many other people around to see clearly. Luckily, the juggler notices their plight and decides to climb onto a higher platform so the four men can see. As he balances a knife on his nose, he asks, “Can you see me now?” The four men reply one after the other, “Yes!” “Oui!” “Si!” “Ja!”.”
Last night me and my wife watched three movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, but I didn’t show up. I’m hoping she gets the message that we’re not working out.
Two satellite dishes meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.