All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manger came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because, he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice
the clothes that still fit
n. (AYN-guh-shpar-ter) A stubborn person; someone who cannot be convinced with logic.
These are the people who are protesting to end the shutdown before it is safe, ordering “cures” on the internet and claiming the pandemic is all a hoax.
At the close of a service, a certain dull clergyman announced that there would then be a meeting of the Board. All of the congregation, with the exception of the Board of Trustees and one stranger, rose and left. The clergyman waited a little and then addressed the stranger, saying, “ My brother, perhaps you misunderstood me. This is to be a meeting of the Board.”
“Yes,” replied the stranger, “go right ahead.
I was never so bored in all my life.”
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
n. (BUP-kiss) Literally means, nothing.
Something that’s worthless or that falls short of expectations. In this new normal, we’re getting used to bubkes in the toilet paper aisle, bubkes in our fresh vegetable drawer, and bubkes in our checking account.
A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students: “Today we’ll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.”
With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. “Hello, may I please speak to Dave?” says the professor when the other person answers. “No, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number” says the person on the other end.
“You see that students, that’s surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like.” He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. “Hi, can Dave come to the phone?” “I told you, you have the wrong number”
“That’s irritation, my friends” says the professor.
“Now, let’s look at what rage looks like” He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. “Is Dave available?” “LISTEN, YOU STUPID. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I’LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND THROW IT. AND IF IT DOESN’T WORK, I’LL CRACK IT WITH MY HAMMER!!!!!!” “And that’s rage.”
“Professor, you forgot the fourth stage,” says a young man in the front row. “And what might that be?” asks the professor.
“It’s called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate” He comes up to the podium, takes the professor’s phone and dials the same number. “Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?”
An “Old” Lady Goes to the Doctor
An old lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”