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Smiles – July 31, 2020

Daily Dose Smiles

All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.

Sam calls his grandma from New Mexico.
“It’s so nice to hear your voice, my Sammela. Tell me, what’s new?”
“I’m getting married, grandma.”
“My Sammela is getting married, how wonderful. Tell me all about her, tell me about her family.”
“Well, they’re not like our people, grandma, they’re native Americans.”
“So, they are first generation.”
“No, grandma, you don’t understand. They live on a reservation.”
“Sammela, so what. Your own mother couldn’t cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations.”
“No, grandma, you don’t understand. We are getting married in a teepee.”
“Oh, that’s nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?”
“But grandma, I have to tell you that you won’t be able to come to the wedding.”
“But why Sammela, your grandma has to be at your wedding?”
“I’m sorry, but only native Americans and persons with Indian names can attend.”
“Well, then, I will be there.”
“How grandma, you don’t have an Indian name.”
“Yes Sammela, I do.”
“What, grandma, what’s your Indian name?”
“Sitting Shiva.”
Showing Up Late
Bernstein walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.
Why was the little strawberry crying?
His mom was in a jam.
Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?
They kept dropping their trunks.
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little hoarse.
Fishing for Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
A Bag of Potatoes 
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, “Euripides?” The professor replies, “Yes. Eumenides?”