• May
    10
    Still Traveling: Morocco More than Marrakech

    Pour yourself a cup of mint tea and let James Sokol zoom you away on our virtual “trips” to this magical North African country.

  • May
    10
    Book Festival: Judy Batalion

    Book Festival In Your Living Room Live Continues with Judy Batalion author of The Light of Days: The Untold Story of Women Resistance Fighters in Hitler’s Ghettos

  • May
    11
    Book Festival: Sharon Stone

    Book Festival In Your Living Room Live Continues with Sharon Stone author of The Beauty of Living Twice, in conversation with Gloria Estefan

Smiles – August 17, 2020

Daily Dose Smiles

All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.

A Hanukkah Surprise! (click to see!)

FOUR RETIREES VISIT A BAR 
 
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”
 
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
 
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”
There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”
 
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
 
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”
 
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
 
“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”
 
“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.
 
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.
 
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”
 
The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price…”

So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?

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If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.

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Just wait for a second – so what you’re telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

Philanthropy

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?” “No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.” Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?” “A check,” replied the guide.

—–

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere

Rowing Team

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice four hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last. Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass. , and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their secret,” he announces. “What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shout. “We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.”

A Panda Walks Into…

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

—–

“How do you organize a space party?”
You Planet.

—–

“What did the buffalo say to his son
when he left for college?”
“Bison”

A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, “I’ll be darned.” A local pastor heard him and said, “You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off to say, ‘Praise the Lord.'” So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, “Praise the Lord.” The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill, and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, “I’ll be darned!”

Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.

Q: What did the cross-eyed teacher say?
A: I can’t control my pupils!

The Birth of a Song and the Blues
Have Fun!!!

Shake Your ……!
Sugar Chili Robinson