All jokes submitted by our insane membership joke team.
MOISHE Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside, and whispered these words at him: “You need to join the Army of God!” Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.” The rabbi questioned: “Then how come I don’t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?” Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”
We realize this image is here twice but honestly we always like to have 2 spring rolls (unless they’re really large.)
A cat has claws at the end of paws: A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Can a Kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course, The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Why did the duck go to jail? Because he got caught selling quack?
How do fish get high? Seaweed
Don’t Always Get What You Want!
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”
Glad you Asked!
One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, “No, we don’t sell grapes.” The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, “No, we do not sell grapes.” The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, “No, we don’t sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!” The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, “No, I don’t have any nails.” The duck says, “Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?”
A Horse, of Course
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, “Thank God,” and for it to stop you say, “Amen.” So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. “Whew,” said the man, “thank God!”
I don’t know which YOM TOV it is:
We’re walking around in slippers like it’s Tisha B’AV;
We’re wearing maks like it’s Purim;
We’re only allowed to eat outside like it’s Sukkot;
We’re eating fruits like it’s Tu B’Shvat;
Everyone is walking around with cleaning wipes like it’s Pesach;
We’re eating meals with our families and sleeping until noon like it’s Shabbat;
So what Holiday is this and when does it end–‘Cuz I’m ready to make Havdallah now
Put Your Dancing Shoes On!